Why “Sarah’s Spark”?

Once, I lost my spark. Now, I’m rebuilding it - one old computer, one chihuahua and blind pittie snuggle, and one Dead by Daylight match at a time.

When the Lights Went Out

A few years back, I was drowning in a marriage that made me feel like a ghost. My needs? Ignored. My requests? Met with empty promises over months and Pokémon cards scattered across a roach-infested desk. I became someone I didn’t recognize - explosive, desperate, hollow.

My neck developed a nervous tick (sharp inhale, head jerk left) that flared every time I walked into our room at the in-laws’ place - or later, our duplex home. My credit cards were maxed out by someone who refused to take their bipolar meds. I was the main breadwinner, cleaning up after a partner who wouldn’t clean up after themselves - even when I begged.

At work, I’d flinch at emails, terrified I’d lose my job and become completely trapped. My confidence in love? Shattered. My trust in myself? Gone. Only my therapist and my stubborn sister and friends kept telling me: “You don’t have to live like this.”

The First Spark

The day I realized my neck tick was screaming what my heart couldn’t admit? That was my breaking point. I said I was done, and asked my friends for help. They came that same weekend and helped me get all my stuff out of the house.

I went back home and stayed on my mom’s couch - no car (thanks to his mom “helpfully” putting both vehicles in her name), drowning in debt, but free.

Those first months were raw.
My neck tick fired every 30 seconds.
I’d work remotely, ticking as I still called patients to coordinate their doctor’s appointments, convinced I’d be fired for being “too slow” and not being understood.

I’d lie awake listening to my two dogs sleeping deeply, wondering if I’d ever feel like “Sarah” again.
But slowly, tiny sparks returned:

• The weight of my chihuahua and blind pittie leaning against me as we rested on the couch grounded me
• My sibling’s laughter during late-night DBD matches where we’d scream from adrenaline gave me fun times to look forward to
• Strumming my old, dusty guitar badly while singing “Guantanamera” with my grandmother - laughing with her and my mom about how terrible we sounded filled me with laughter
• Buying myself cute MyHeroAcademia inspired anime press-on nails at a convention with my own money - no permission needed (Lisa’s “Money” playing in my head on loop) made me feel empowered

What “Spark” Means Now

“Sarah’s Spark” isn’t about being perfect. It’s about:

• Taking care of myself - and my doggie baby boys who trust me completely
• Rotating my wigs: emerald green or rainbow when I want to be seen, brown/black when I need to feel grounded
• Letting my nonbinary (AFAB) husband read to me, their voice acting bringing stories to life like magic ❤️
• Starting projects I might never finish - like that Astrology Chart Generator buried in my GitHub - because the joy is in the trying
• Letting myself hyperfixate on my interests, whether its trying to lockpick and thrift, or mod a console for days, and then abandoning those to do some scrapbooking just because I want to.

This blog is my spark made visible - not a polished highlight reel, but a messy, hopeful journal of rebuilding. If you’ve ever lost yourself? I see you. If you’re fighting to reclaim your light? I’m right here with my sticker collection and half-finished junk journal pages.

Welcome to the cozy chaos.

👉 Support my spark on Ko-fi - every coffee helps me keep this space alive (and funds emergency wig purchases when I need to feel extra seen). 💚